Day 16: Release

I've never done one or participated in one before. I'd love to organize one someday. Maybe next year for Elijah's birthday.

Day 15. WAVE of LIGHT

Today was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. For the past three years I have been participating in the wave of light by lighting a candle in memory of Elijah. Since I have a habit of setting off fire alarms I opted for the battery powered fake candles instead of the real ones. Something about fire and toddlers not mixing... They will stay on all night in honor of my son. I also wrote down the names of children I never got to meet in real life but met through the memories of their parents. For me the candle represents a flicker of hope. Hope that our child's end is a beginning in another chapter and the hope that one day we shall be reunited. It also lights the path of darkness in these dreary October nights and brings some comfort. Maybe I'm imagining Elijah and I sitting in front of the fireplace?
Today was an awareness day for so many other causes. So why is infant loss and pregnancy loss awareness important? Well to put it simply, 1 in every 4 women will suffer from some type of loss in her reproductive career. That's a pretty high statistic. So light a candle tonight at 7pm and hug an angel mom today, chances are she'll need it. I'll be lighting candles every night until the end of October with names of angel babies written in tiny heats. If you would like your angel included please let me know in the comments.

Here is my mantle with the candles still burning.  In the wider wine glass I have angel's names in it.  The other one is my pray request cup.

Day 14. Community

Community Event: Walking to remember

Being tapped into the bereavement community is so important to me. Sure it's an exclusive club where no one really wants to be a member, however it can be such a great support network. It is nice to have people who understand what you are going through-losing a child is such an unique experience and unless you have been there chances are you won't understand. It doesn't mean outsiders don't want to or don't try but sometimes you need to talk to people who have been through the situation and can offer insight without judgement. Also sometimes the subject of our children can be too painful and uncomfortable for others to hear about so its nice to have a place to go where you can talk freely even if its to say your child's name.  I find it takes off some of the burden and strain off my existing relationships. Sometimes it can be frustrating on both ends: you want your friends to understand and your friends just want you to be okay. This can put expectations on the relationship that aren't really fair. I have the most supportive friends and family but I can't get annoyed at them because I feel they're trying to get me to move on too fast and they get annoyed at me for appearing mopey all the time.  I have infact lost a few friendships on this journey because we were unable to see eye to eye.

I'm in a number of online communities on facebook.  One is "I am a mother of an angel". Here I can connect with bereaved parents around the world and share photos and stories.  Its a closed group so I can do so without worrying about what other people on my friends list may think.  They also have a group for parents like me that have lost and gone on to have more surviving children.  Here we can swap parenting advice and concerns that stem from our life experiences.
I also attended Empty Cradle in New West.  There I found tons of support and have made some very close friends.  One is branching out and starting her own organization that aims on helping out the community.  This Sunday we actually attended a walk she organized, I'm more than proud of what she has accomplished!

Day 13: Signs

I have always been undecided when it comes to whether or not our children can send us signs from heaven. I have often come across stories from other people in the bereavement community regarding their experiences but I had never personally experienced one....that was until last week.
I was having a bit of a rough week-I had been thinking a lot about Elijah and my heart was feeling heavy. I was walking my kids to Strong Start one morning and was passing by a long stretch of grass. I happened to look down and see a "little people" angel figurine. You wouldn't know this but ever since Joe was born I've been having trouble with my vision, especially seeing with my contact lens, so the fact that I even saw it laying on the ground is amazing in itself.

You'll probably say it's just some kid throwing a toy out of his stroller and chances are you're probably right. However this time around I choose to believe that this is a sign from my son. It's even more suiting that the angel is giving me a big hug.
I showed this picture on facebook and someone told me that this is the angel Gabriel from the Little People Nativity scene and if you pray to Gabriel he will bring you messages from your child which was a neat connection.
Anyways I picked it up and took it home with me. Once again if you knew me, you'd know that is very unlike me, I'm usually throwing away stuff not bringing stuff into my house. I washed it and I put it with Elijah's things. If a kid did lose it, I hope they won't miss it too much. Sign or not, someone must of known that I needed it-the little angel toy found its way to a hurting heart and helped brighten it up a little.

Day 10. Symbol

 We have a symbol for Elijah-lions.

It stemmed from his nursery theme, before the notion of having to say goodbye was even in our mind.  Lions were my husband and I's favorite animal.  Everything we bought had this theme: clothes, toys and decorations.  On our honeymoon we even got a picture taking holding a lion club while at the MGM Grande in Vegas while I was pregnant.  We later buried this picture with Elijah.
Children's Hospital gave Elijah a lion "trauma bear".  We didn't even tell them that this was his theme.  
This theme carried on with his death.  As mentioned in previous posts, Elijah's grave marker has a lion Dave and I drew.  We also buy a lion themed Christmas decoration for each year passed as a way to remember him.
  Whenever I see anything with a lion on it I think of him.  Sometimes I'll put a lion symbol on cards because I want to sign his name along with the rest of the family but don't feel like its appropriate.
Here are a few of his lion themed keepsakes:

Day 9: Special Place

  I was trying to think of a special place that was shared between Elijah and I. If I had to choose, I would say it was during my honeymoon. We drove down the Oregon Coast stopping at a few different cities as we made our way down to Vegas. I was four months pregnant and my pregnancy was still a secret to most (due to certain circumstances we had to keep it hush hush until after I was married).  My most favorite stop was at Oceanside California.  We drove down in my husband's Porsche Boxster.  We sold the car a few  months later since we needed a car that we could put a carseat in and a two seater just wouldn't do.
   It was the most beautiful spot I had ever been, we were in a hotel right beside the ocean.  Elijah and I got the chance to go surfing.  Apparently a big storm blew through the day after we left so had we been a day later I wouldn't have had the opportunity.  It was also the first time I felt Elijah's first movements-little flutters.  It was such an exciting time.  Here my husband and I were newly weds with a family on its way.  Big dreams, big expectations.  I miss that innocence.  We buried Elijah with a onsie from Oceanside that said "Ipooed".  It was the first baby item we bought (aside from a pregnancy calendar my mom and I bought the day after I got a positive test).

On my honeymoon.

 Who could also forget Elijah's resting place?  It is in the perfect spot-under the shade of trees in a very peaceful location.  I use to go visit Elijah and sit under the trees on a park bench and have my lunch.

Day 8. Jewellery

  I have a necklace that I wear everyday.  It is very special to me and it makes me feel like I have Elijah close to my heart.  My mom bought it for me for my first Mother's Day.  It has an angel in the front and his name engraved on the back.