Day 16: Release

I've never done one or participated in one before. I'd love to organize one someday. Maybe next year for Elijah's birthday.

Day 15. WAVE of LIGHT

Today was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. For the past three years I have been participating in the wave of light by lighting a candle in memory of Elijah. Since I have a habit of setting off fire alarms I opted for the battery powered fake candles instead of the real ones. Something about fire and toddlers not mixing... They will stay on all night in honor of my son. I also wrote down the names of children I never got to meet in real life but met through the memories of their parents. For me the candle represents a flicker of hope. Hope that our child's end is a beginning in another chapter and the hope that one day we shall be reunited. It also lights the path of darkness in these dreary October nights and brings some comfort. Maybe I'm imagining Elijah and I sitting in front of the fireplace?
Today was an awareness day for so many other causes. So why is infant loss and pregnancy loss awareness important? Well to put it simply, 1 in every 4 women will suffer from some type of loss in her reproductive career. That's a pretty high statistic. So light a candle tonight at 7pm and hug an angel mom today, chances are she'll need it. I'll be lighting candles every night until the end of October with names of angel babies written in tiny heats. If you would like your angel included please let me know in the comments.

Here is my mantle with the candles still burning.  In the wider wine glass I have angel's names in it.  The other one is my pray request cup.

Day 14. Community

Community Event: Walking to remember

Being tapped into the bereavement community is so important to me. Sure it's an exclusive club where no one really wants to be a member, however it can be such a great support network. It is nice to have people who understand what you are going through-losing a child is such an unique experience and unless you have been there chances are you won't understand. It doesn't mean outsiders don't want to or don't try but sometimes you need to talk to people who have been through the situation and can offer insight without judgement. Also sometimes the subject of our children can be too painful and uncomfortable for others to hear about so its nice to have a place to go where you can talk freely even if its to say your child's name.  I find it takes off some of the burden and strain off my existing relationships. Sometimes it can be frustrating on both ends: you want your friends to understand and your friends just want you to be okay. This can put expectations on the relationship that aren't really fair. I have the most supportive friends and family but I can't get annoyed at them because I feel they're trying to get me to move on too fast and they get annoyed at me for appearing mopey all the time.  I have infact lost a few friendships on this journey because we were unable to see eye to eye.

I'm in a number of online communities on facebook.  One is "I am a mother of an angel". Here I can connect with bereaved parents around the world and share photos and stories.  Its a closed group so I can do so without worrying about what other people on my friends list may think.  They also have a group for parents like me that have lost and gone on to have more surviving children.  Here we can swap parenting advice and concerns that stem from our life experiences.
I also attended Empty Cradle in New West.  There I found tons of support and have made some very close friends.  One is branching out and starting her own organization that aims on helping out the community.  This Sunday we actually attended a walk she organized, I'm more than proud of what she has accomplished!

Day 13: Signs

I have always been undecided when it comes to whether or not our children can send us signs from heaven. I have often come across stories from other people in the bereavement community regarding their experiences but I had never personally experienced one....that was until last week.
I was having a bit of a rough week-I had been thinking a lot about Elijah and my heart was feeling heavy. I was walking my kids to Strong Start one morning and was passing by a long stretch of grass. I happened to look down and see a "little people" angel figurine. You wouldn't know this but ever since Joe was born I've been having trouble with my vision, especially seeing with my contact lens, so the fact that I even saw it laying on the ground is amazing in itself.

You'll probably say it's just some kid throwing a toy out of his stroller and chances are you're probably right. However this time around I choose to believe that this is a sign from my son. It's even more suiting that the angel is giving me a big hug.
I showed this picture on facebook and someone told me that this is the angel Gabriel from the Little People Nativity scene and if you pray to Gabriel he will bring you messages from your child which was a neat connection.
Anyways I picked it up and took it home with me. Once again if you knew me, you'd know that is very unlike me, I'm usually throwing away stuff not bringing stuff into my house. I washed it and I put it with Elijah's things. If a kid did lose it, I hope they won't miss it too much. Sign or not, someone must of known that I needed it-the little angel toy found its way to a hurting heart and helped brighten it up a little.

Day 10. Symbol

 We have a symbol for Elijah-lions.

It stemmed from his nursery theme, before the notion of having to say goodbye was even in our mind.  Lions were my husband and I's favorite animal.  Everything we bought had this theme: clothes, toys and decorations.  On our honeymoon we even got a picture taking holding a lion club while at the MGM Grande in Vegas while I was pregnant.  We later buried this picture with Elijah.
Children's Hospital gave Elijah a lion "trauma bear".  We didn't even tell them that this was his theme.  
This theme carried on with his death.  As mentioned in previous posts, Elijah's grave marker has a lion Dave and I drew.  We also buy a lion themed Christmas decoration for each year passed as a way to remember him.
  Whenever I see anything with a lion on it I think of him.  Sometimes I'll put a lion symbol on cards because I want to sign his name along with the rest of the family but don't feel like its appropriate.
Here are a few of his lion themed keepsakes:

Day 9: Special Place

  I was trying to think of a special place that was shared between Elijah and I. If I had to choose, I would say it was during my honeymoon. We drove down the Oregon Coast stopping at a few different cities as we made our way down to Vegas. I was four months pregnant and my pregnancy was still a secret to most (due to certain circumstances we had to keep it hush hush until after I was married).  My most favorite stop was at Oceanside California.  We drove down in my husband's Porsche Boxster.  We sold the car a few  months later since we needed a car that we could put a carseat in and a two seater just wouldn't do.
   It was the most beautiful spot I had ever been, we were in a hotel right beside the ocean.  Elijah and I got the chance to go surfing.  Apparently a big storm blew through the day after we left so had we been a day later I wouldn't have had the opportunity.  It was also the first time I felt Elijah's first movements-little flutters.  It was such an exciting time.  Here my husband and I were newly weds with a family on its way.  Big dreams, big expectations.  I miss that innocence.  We buried Elijah with a onsie from Oceanside that said "Ipooed".  It was the first baby item we bought (aside from a pregnancy calendar my mom and I bought the day after I got a positive test).

On my honeymoon.

 Who could also forget Elijah's resting place?  It is in the perfect spot-under the shade of trees in a very peaceful location.  I use to go visit Elijah and sit under the trees on a park bench and have my lunch.

Day 8. Jewellery

  I have a necklace that I wear everyday.  It is very special to me and it makes me feel like I have Elijah close to my heart.  My mom bought it for me for my first Mother's Day.  It has an angel in the front and his name engraved on the back. 

Day 7. What To Say

So yesterday was all about what not to say to a bereaved parent.  It probably left you thinking "well what the hell am I suppose to say?".  This in itself is a hard question.  Even being in the same situation I have found myself face to face with a fellow grieving mother with not a single clue on what to say.  I think the biggest difficulty is we think we need to say something to make it better, something profound that will heal all wounds.  Obviously there are no words to do this.  I think the most important thing is just to acknowledge that the parent is feeling pain and their pain is real. For me the most important thing to say is:

From speaking to other moms this theme is something that seems to unite us.  There is a fear that people are going to forget our children.  It is a beavered parent's duty to keep their child's memory alive.  There's a reason why I mention Elijah often in conversations.  It's not because I love awkward pauses in conversations but because I need to know that people still remember him.  That being said I don't mean every time you see me yell out the above lines.   It just means don't be afraid to mention him especially if you're thinking of him.  I love hearing his name and knowing that even thought he is gone he isn't forgotten.  Don't skip over all of 2010.  .  Don't worry I can handle it.

I don't expect you to understand its one of those things you have to experience before you fully get it.  But that's okay-there is a lot of things I understand.  But just because you don't understand it doesn't make it less hurtful or less significant of an event.  Being supportive is being there for someone regardless of the reason: the fact that they're hurting should be enough.  If you don't know what to say, be honest.  I personally don't need a long speech, I just need to know that you're there for me when I need a shoulder.

This one is personally for me. 2010 ended up being one of the worst years in my life.  Evertying bad that could happen did. 

Remeber when you're ever stuck it never hurts just to say:

Day 5. Memorial

At the Graveside.

Today's picture subject is intertwined with yesterday's subject.  Since Elijah's time was so short, he didn't leave much physical evidence of his existence so all my treasured items are also ways of keeping his memory alive.  It is the duty of all mothers to protect their children and  when that child passes away it becomes her duty to protect their memory.  While I shouldn't march down the street yelling out about him, there are certain things I should do in order to honor his memory. Here are some of the memorial things I have set up for Elijah.  They are examples of how I keep his memory alive....

His graveside:  The most important memorial we have is his stone at the cemetery.  We had him buried in the cemetery by our house, the same place where most of my family is.  His plaque is special to us, it was designed with great detail and love by Dave and I.  The cartoon lion looks a little goofy and that's because we both drew it together.  It is is a symbol of us working together on our journey of healing. It had to be perfect, the poor company that handled the design had to go through sample a-h before we approved it. Always the competitive mom I think it looks the best in the cemetery.

Close up of our lion

 Elijah Tree:  It was a seedling that fell from a tree at my granny's house and planted itself around the same time Elijah died.  This is how it earned its name as the "Elijah Tree".  When she moved, my parents dug it up and planted it in their front yard.  When I first saw it I had to laugh.  It was more of a twig then a tree.  It was barley alive and my dad near-drowned it in the first few weeks in its new home.  However there were leaves on it this summer and it is starting to thrive.  A quiet reminder.  I feel with this tree I can watch it grow older, taller and stronger, just as Elijah would have.  I love it there since its not sad and its not happy, it just is.  It's a symbol that even thought we do not talk about him often he still has a presence in my family's heart.  My husband always teases then when it gets more mature, the root system will reek havoc on my parent's place.  This makes me laugh because I imagine that as a teenager Elijah would have been doing the same. 

Tattoo:  I used the footprints that Children's hospital made for me and got it tattooed my forearm last year. I usually have a "not visible" policy when I get tattoos (gets rid of that "what do you do when you're 80?" question).  However I choose that spot because that was where his head was resting when he passed away.  My favorite thing about it is that it is very subtle and I feel like I can take Elijah wherever I go.  By looking at it you wouldn't think it was a memorial tattoo but rather a tribute of a child.  That is how I want to remember Elijah: Not as the child that left us way to soon but the child that is close to my heart.

Death is not the end.  In death you live in another plain of existence, and that is in the memories of the ones living.

Day 4. Most Treasured Item

   Today we were suppose to capture our most treasured item of our child.  Our time was short and we didn't get much time to make many memories with Elijah. I find myself sometimes clinging to anything related to him.  Something concrete, to remind myself that he was real and it is not some part of a horrible dream.
  Children's hospital was nice to send me a memory box full of items that belonged to Elijah during his stay.  I remember getting the box in the mail and I was surprised when I opened it.  I had no idea what a memory box was and that hospitals made them, however I was glad that they did.  You see at the moment you don't think of creating physical memories (like pictures or hand prints), it's not covered in prenatal classes-what to do if you child dies. The memory box is one of my most treasured items.  I later found out that a group of elderly ladies hand paint the box and sew caps and booties to put in it which makes it that much heart warming.  Here is where my memory box sits, on my nightstand.  On the lamp sits all three of my kids "Ridge Meadows" hat, a souvenir that the hospital gives you when your child is born.

Inside of the box are the things that they added as well as other things I have collected from both my pregnancy and my journey in grief.  I kept all the cards from my funeral.  I haven't read them all, when I'm feeling brave I take out one or two and read it.  There are his hand prints, the pressure cuffs from his arms, his hospital tags, my favorite maternity top and the sleeper that was donated to him so he'd have something to wear.  I hate to admit but I often sleep with that sleeper under my pillow when I'm missing him the most.  It still smells like him,  I haven't had the heart to wash the blood stains off it.

 Elijah also has a presence in our family cabinet.  In fact each child has a shelf of their own with the same content: their first stuffy, their first shoes and their photo.  Elijah is treated no different than our living kids.  The lion stuffy is Elijah's trauma bear given to him at Children's.  It was perfect since lions were always Elijah's theme when I was pregnant.  We also have his foot and hand molds. 

 If I had to choose one item that I treasure the most it would have to be my photos no question about it.  I remeber the nurses telling us to take lots of pictures since we may not get long with him.  I would have never thought to take any.  Every day I thank my sister for taking them.  I remeber at the time not wanting my photo taken but I'm so glad she did.  Anytime I want to remeber Elijah I can flip through the pages.  Sometimes I feel sad, other times at peace, either way they are his life story. 

Day 3: After Loss Self Portrait

I remember clearly looking at my reflection in my parent's bathroom mirror. It couldn't have been more then a day since Elijah had passed. I don't know if it was because I had lost the pregnancy bloat or if something else changed but I remember noting how different I looked. Sure I was haggard looking from crying and lack of sleep but I remember thinking "so this is what a mom looks like..." almost bitterly. After this I realized that there was no going back, I had changed both inside and out. Maybe that is the purpose of today's photo: to accept that we are a different person, that loss has changed us both inside and out and the person in yesterday's photo no longer exists?
Anyways just like yesterday I have many photos to choose from. I have the luxury of 2.5years since Elijah has passed. While time doesn't heal all wounds it puts a barrier between you and the hurt.
I could choose a photo right after it happened. I wince at the picture I'm thinking of. I'll post it at the bottom. I hate it, the pain is so fresh, I'm at the funeral home. I didn't want to go in and look at him dead but I changed my mind and I was so glad I did. When he was alive he was covered in tubes and so fragile, I was too scared to touch him in case I broke him. After he passed, we quietly packed up and left. It was only a week later at the funeral home I did things like count his toes and kiss his chubby cheeks.
However I want to focus on the fact that while Elijah's life ended that day, mine did not. The world doesn't slow down for the grieving and life marched on it's usual pace. You see Elijah since you've been gone we welcomed your little sister Lily:

And then came Joseph:

I have done other things. I started a new job while I was pregnant with Lily, did a college course amongst other things. I have ran two races since we welcomed Joe. 10km, a distance I always found daunting but now I run with Elijah. The pain that knocked me down and held me back for so long is now becoming my fuel,
The smile like the one of my former self gets stronger everyday. Yes I have a long way to go but I'm getting there. It's a journey and to be honest it's not only coming to terms with the loss but re-learning how to be happy again. My former self was shattered on March 08 and like glass the pieces can never be put together and made whole and perfect again. But eventually you do find a happy medium or so I've been told.
And of Elijah? Don't ever think I've forgiton him. I carried him for 9months on my belly but I'll carry him on my heart for the rest of my life. Just because we moved forward didn't mean we left him behind.

A woman changed.






Here is the picture I was talking about, a week after my loss.

Day 2. Before Loss Self Portrait

It is now day two of Project Heal (well technically it will be in an hour).  I am looking through my pictures trying to decide which photo is best to represent myself before I lost Elijah...

The first photo that comes to mind is one of the ones from Children's Hospital right before we had to end life support.  At that moment I don't think the concept of losing my son had actually seeped in.  A big part of me still believed that when the machine stopped, he would keep breathing, it would be alright.  It was the last moment of innocence, where in my world getting a positive pregnancy test meant that in 9 months you would get to take home a healthy baby.

Or maybe I should select one of me just before Elijah was born.  I was 41weeks, a week overdue and it felt like he was never going to come.  I'm nervous, exhausted but ready.  I remember barely being able to sleep the night before I was to be induced.  I remember playing with some wrist rattles my mom had bought me before packing them with care in my overnight bag. 

Or maybe I could choose a photo of my wedding day.  I was 3months pregnant with Elijah when I got married. That day I truly had it all, a great guy and now a soon to be perfect family.  I love this photo because I am beaming.  I think I like this photo the best since it captures the best feelings of my pregnancy with Elijah, of being happy and complete. 

I could include a whole album on its own with all the fond memories and photos I have while I was pregnant with Elijah.  Yes it is hard to look at it, I mourn the innocence and simplicity of life before my loss but at the same time I'm reminded of all the happy memories that were forgotten or swept under the rug when he died.

Day One: Sunrise

  This is suppose to be the first photo subject, to symbolize the beginning of this month in photos.  I missed my opportunity today because when I decided to participate it was already noon.  Well that and I'm not a morning person so even if I was up before the sun rose today, chances would be slim I'd be awake enough to be able to operate my camera. It would probably be a photo of my foot.
Hopefully I'll be able to get a picture up tomorrow of the sunrise.  Until now enjoy this picture, my interpretation of a beautiful sunrise.

Please excuse my humor. Laughter has always been a critical component of the healing process. 

You can read a post I wrote about Elijah on my main blog here: http://kmacathome.blogspot.ca/2012/03/sweet-elijah_08.html

I'm hoping I'll be more inspired tomorrow.

Project Heal: The Beginning

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. In honor of my son I am participating in Project Heal. I stumbled upon this today on one of my support group website. I thought it looked like an amazing idea. For me this project will allow me to tell my son's story in 31 snapshots.
I'm not much of a photographer. In fact I specialize in blurry iPhone photos but I like to write so here is my spin on things.

As you may or may not know, I lost my son Elijah Lachlan McRoberts in 2010. We had him for only one day, a day I will forever treasure. Since then our family has blossomed and he now has two siblings but he is forever in our hearts. I'm starting this blog as a place to capture my pictures and share a bit about Elijah.

More information about this project can be found here:
http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2012/09/capture-your-grief-this-october-2012-for-pregnancy-infant-loss-awareness-month.html

Below is the outline of the pictures for this month's activities.

Not my photo, taken from http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2012/09/capture-your-grief-this-october-2012-for-pregnancy-infant-loss-awareness-month.html so I remember what to do