Day 3: After Loss Self Portrait

I remember clearly looking at my reflection in my parent's bathroom mirror. It couldn't have been more then a day since Elijah had passed. I don't know if it was because I had lost the pregnancy bloat or if something else changed but I remember noting how different I looked. Sure I was haggard looking from crying and lack of sleep but I remember thinking "so this is what a mom looks like..." almost bitterly. After this I realized that there was no going back, I had changed both inside and out. Maybe that is the purpose of today's photo: to accept that we are a different person, that loss has changed us both inside and out and the person in yesterday's photo no longer exists?
Anyways just like yesterday I have many photos to choose from. I have the luxury of 2.5years since Elijah has passed. While time doesn't heal all wounds it puts a barrier between you and the hurt.
I could choose a photo right after it happened. I wince at the picture I'm thinking of. I'll post it at the bottom. I hate it, the pain is so fresh, I'm at the funeral home. I didn't want to go in and look at him dead but I changed my mind and I was so glad I did. When he was alive he was covered in tubes and so fragile, I was too scared to touch him in case I broke him. After he passed, we quietly packed up and left. It was only a week later at the funeral home I did things like count his toes and kiss his chubby cheeks.
However I want to focus on the fact that while Elijah's life ended that day, mine did not. The world doesn't slow down for the grieving and life marched on it's usual pace. You see Elijah since you've been gone we welcomed your little sister Lily:

And then came Joseph:

I have done other things. I started a new job while I was pregnant with Lily, did a college course amongst other things. I have ran two races since we welcomed Joe. 10km, a distance I always found daunting but now I run with Elijah. The pain that knocked me down and held me back for so long is now becoming my fuel,
The smile like the one of my former self gets stronger everyday. Yes I have a long way to go but I'm getting there. It's a journey and to be honest it's not only coming to terms with the loss but re-learning how to be happy again. My former self was shattered on March 08 and like glass the pieces can never be put together and made whole and perfect again. But eventually you do find a happy medium or so I've been told.
And of Elijah? Don't ever think I've forgiton him. I carried him for 9months on my belly but I'll carry him on my heart for the rest of my life. Just because we moved forward didn't mean we left him behind.

A woman changed.






Here is the picture I was talking about, a week after my loss.