Day 4. Most Treasured Item

   Today we were suppose to capture our most treasured item of our child.  Our time was short and we didn't get much time to make many memories with Elijah. I find myself sometimes clinging to anything related to him.  Something concrete, to remind myself that he was real and it is not some part of a horrible dream.
  Children's hospital was nice to send me a memory box full of items that belonged to Elijah during his stay.  I remember getting the box in the mail and I was surprised when I opened it.  I had no idea what a memory box was and that hospitals made them, however I was glad that they did.  You see at the moment you don't think of creating physical memories (like pictures or hand prints), it's not covered in prenatal classes-what to do if you child dies. The memory box is one of my most treasured items.  I later found out that a group of elderly ladies hand paint the box and sew caps and booties to put in it which makes it that much heart warming.  Here is where my memory box sits, on my nightstand.  On the lamp sits all three of my kids "Ridge Meadows" hat, a souvenir that the hospital gives you when your child is born.

Inside of the box are the things that they added as well as other things I have collected from both my pregnancy and my journey in grief.  I kept all the cards from my funeral.  I haven't read them all, when I'm feeling brave I take out one or two and read it.  There are his hand prints, the pressure cuffs from his arms, his hospital tags, my favorite maternity top and the sleeper that was donated to him so he'd have something to wear.  I hate to admit but I often sleep with that sleeper under my pillow when I'm missing him the most.  It still smells like him,  I haven't had the heart to wash the blood stains off it.

 Elijah also has a presence in our family cabinet.  In fact each child has a shelf of their own with the same content: their first stuffy, their first shoes and their photo.  Elijah is treated no different than our living kids.  The lion stuffy is Elijah's trauma bear given to him at Children's.  It was perfect since lions were always Elijah's theme when I was pregnant.  We also have his foot and hand molds. 

 If I had to choose one item that I treasure the most it would have to be my photos no question about it.  I remeber the nurses telling us to take lots of pictures since we may not get long with him.  I would have never thought to take any.  Every day I thank my sister for taking them.  I remeber at the time not wanting my photo taken but I'm so glad she did.  Anytime I want to remeber Elijah I can flip through the pages.  Sometimes I feel sad, other times at peace, either way they are his life story.