Day 2. Before Loss Self Portrait

It is now day two of Project Heal (well technically it will be in an hour).  I am looking through my pictures trying to decide which photo is best to represent myself before I lost Elijah...

The first photo that comes to mind is one of the ones from Children's Hospital right before we had to end life support.  At that moment I don't think the concept of losing my son had actually seeped in.  A big part of me still believed that when the machine stopped, he would keep breathing, it would be alright.  It was the last moment of innocence, where in my world getting a positive pregnancy test meant that in 9 months you would get to take home a healthy baby.

Or maybe I should select one of me just before Elijah was born.  I was 41weeks, a week overdue and it felt like he was never going to come.  I'm nervous, exhausted but ready.  I remember barely being able to sleep the night before I was to be induced.  I remember playing with some wrist rattles my mom had bought me before packing them with care in my overnight bag. 

Or maybe I could choose a photo of my wedding day.  I was 3months pregnant with Elijah when I got married. That day I truly had it all, a great guy and now a soon to be perfect family.  I love this photo because I am beaming.  I think I like this photo the best since it captures the best feelings of my pregnancy with Elijah, of being happy and complete. 

I could include a whole album on its own with all the fond memories and photos I have while I was pregnant with Elijah.  Yes it is hard to look at it, I mourn the innocence and simplicity of life before my loss but at the same time I'm reminded of all the happy memories that were forgotten or swept under the rug when he died.